2015: A Full Year

What can I say about this past year? What words could I use to contain its breadth? When I think about this past year, I feel a rush of images in my mind, both positive and negative. None of them are forgettable. Our running motto has been "It could always get worse!"

I started off 2015 heavily pregnant. We didn't know the sex of our baby, and were delighted when our Arthur made his appearance in February. As the delight and newness began to sink in, however, something more painful took hold.

Within 2 weeks after Arthur's birth, I was so anxious that I was shoulder-checking in our own house. I was crying constantly because of anxiety, worry, and intrusive thoughts. I had post-partum depression and anxiety. I had been so terrified of this scenario, and I had thought that succeeding in establishing breastfeeding would have prevented it from happening. Not so. A month or so later, my referral went through and I saw a psychiatrist for the first time in 8 years. I was officially diagnosed and began medication and counselling. It was not until Arthur was about 6 months old that I finally started to feel like I was bonding with him and began to feel more like myself for the first time in ages. I have since wrapped up counselling and am still on medication for the moment.

I've had to learn the art of self-care and taking time to focus on myself. It's not selfish. In fact, it's the opposite; by making sure that I take the time to care for myself, I am ensuring that I can have the mental and emotional resources to care for my boys. I learned to accept my past and to face memories that I had buried away. I learned that it's okay to be angry; there are some things that are wrong. I learned that it's okay to say that I'm not okay, and that admitting that I'm not okay is the first step to making things better.

During the time around my first psychiatrist appointment, the source of my joint pain was finally diagnosed as joint hypermobility syndrome. I started physiotherapy and began to see my daily pain level reduce to next to nothing. I had my very first pain-free day in 6 years. I feel amazing, and have been losing weight thanks to the more active lifestyle I'm now able to have.

Another change that helped us to have a more active lifestyle is our move to Didsbury. In July, we bought our very first house. It is a 3-bedroom townhouse with a full unfinished basement. It's not perfect, but it got us into the housing market and out of renting. Didsbury's only "fast food" restaurant is a single Tim Hortons. There's no late-night food options other than cooking at home. Everything is within walking distance of our house. There's a 5km trail loop only an 8-minute walk from our house. The air out here is noticeably more clear, and there's a simple kind of beauty in farmland.

That being said, it hasn't all been rosy in our new house. There's been some annoyances along the way. We had our dryer break down the very first cycle we tried to dry! We had a mouse. Twice. Our minivan stopped working briefly, but it was an easy fix. Cy broke his finger. Our fridge recently stopped working and we're waiting on a replacement part to arrive. Small things, really, in the grand scheme of things.

I picked up quilting. It's been a steep learning curve, but I really enjoy it in my little bit of free time that I do have.

In August, Edgar started daycare here in Didsbury. He's loving it and I get a chance to take care of housework and coursework during the 2 days that he's having an absolute blast at daycare.

Thanksgiving was spent back in Vancouver. The trip was a perfect balance of seeing family and making sure to rest in-between. We drove. Yes, we did a 13-hour road trip with 2 boys under 2 years old. It actually wasn't too bad of a drive, and the boys slept a decent amount of the time because we left extremely early in the morning. I loved seeing friends and family again, and I feel like it helped to ground me in preparation for the next couple of months ahead.

In November, I started the first course in SAIT's Library Information Technology diploma program. The course wraps up in February, and so far I am acing it. Literally. I have only lost a little over 2% total from my final mark and only have my final exam and final assignment to go. It seems that I have finally found my career calling, and I'm loving the outlook for the future it's given me. I started off in the part-time program, and in Fall 2016 I will be switching to the full-time program to which I was recently accepted.

This year also had a couple health scares for the boys. Edgar had his very first allergic reaction to peanuts in June. After allergy testing, it was determined that his next reaction from ingesting peanuts would likely be anaphylactic. He now carries an epipen everywhere he goes. We are now a peanut-free household. Arthur had a 10-minute long febrile seizure in November. The initial fever was caused by a childhood illness called roseola and he recovered just fine after a short stay at Alberta Children's Hospital. While his EEG was normal, we do have to keep a close eye on him any time that he develops a fever from now on. Because he was so young and he seized for so long, the probability of him having another febrile seizure before he turns 5 years old is 40% or higher if he has a fever spike. Thankfully, febrile seizures do not do damage to the developing brain, and even one of the amazing doctors that treated him at ACH had them as a child!

The Fall months were spent with all of us in varying degrees of illness. Whether it was ear infections, strep throat, colds, or random stomach bugs... we got all of it. Kids are such germ factories! We were all sick and miserable at points, but thank goodness that it all was fleeting.

Christmas this year was a quiet affair for us. Kait, Chris, and Anders had gone back to Vancouver for Christmas, so it was just us in town. The boys received presents from family and a few small ones from us. I made them sort of matching quilts. We didn't go anywhere, and had a quiet day at home with just the boys and us.

Our motto this year, whenever things were going wrong, was "It could always get worse!" Yes, yes it can. Things can always get better, and that's okay. Things can also always get worse. We aren't super well-off, and we don't live like kings, but we have a house and our boys and each other. That's more than a lot of people have. We have friends and family who have supported and encouraged us in the difficult times this past year. We now own a house and are slowly paying down debt. We have two beautiful boys. Marriage takes work, but at the end of the day I am married to my best friend. We still laugh about stupid things together.

What does 2016 have in store for us? Well, there are lots of things to look forward to:

• Finishing my first course at the end of January and starting my next couple of courses in March
• Another Vancouver trip at the beginning of February
• Arthur's first birthday
• Our 4th wedding anniversary
• Two weddings
• Friends expecting new little ones
• Starting full-time courses in Fall
• Edgar turning three in November
• Potty training Edgar at some point
• Arthur starting to learn to talk this year

2015 has left me refreshed, renewed, and ready to take on the world.

Bring it on, 2016. 

Life With Two Under Two ("It can always get worse!")

Hi folks! I promise I haven't forgotten about my blog; I've just been so busy that I haven't gotten around to updating about our life lately. Since I last blogged, my boys have grown a bunch, we bought a townhouse and moved, Arthur started solids, Edgar started daycare two days a week, and we've decided to visit family in Vancouver in October!

The Townhouse and the Move
We discovered in late April that there was a possibility that we might be able to barely squeak into the housing market and buy our own house. The months of May and June became occupied with the quest to see what we could possibly afford. After many appointments with an amazing mortgage broker (if you're in the Calgary area and are looking for one, PM me), and three house walkthroughs with a great real-estate agent in Didsbury, we bought our townhouse in a small town about 45 minutes out of Calgary called Didsbury. It was a stressful couple of months, but we made it through and now are homeowners!

It doesn't look like much outside, but inside is nice!

I love the colours we chose!

Don't move with kids if you don't have to. For the love of all things good in this world, if you value your sanity, don't do it. Thankfully, Cy's mother came up to Calgary to help us with the boys while we took care of preparing for the move. I don't think we could have done it without her. Thanks to her helping watch the boys, we were able to paint our entire main floor and the boys' room over a weekend.

In addition to Cy's mom helping, Cy's best friend flew in to visit and help us with the actual move when the time came. With the three of us, we managed to move everything over the course of a weekend.

I am SO thankful for the help that we had in this whole process, without which we probably wouldn't have our own place.

Complications ("It can always get worse!")
Granted, we have our own house now, but up until a week ago we were still tethered to our rental property lease. This was because we broke our lease early, and according to our contract we were responsible for the rent until a new tenant was found. That meant that we were paying our mortgage and rent. It was a very tough and tight couple of months, but thanks to the help of family and really scrimping, we made it through okay. It didn't help that our landlord was emailing us once or twice a week about getting stuff done at the old place that we just couldn't afford at the time.

Before we moved, we found out, in a frightening allergic reaction that resulted in a trip to Calgary Children's Hospital, that Edgar is allergic to peanuts. He now has an epi-pen and we are a peanut-free house.

Our dryer broke on its very first cycle. After taking a look inside and trying to see if we could fix it, we found a replacement from Trail Appliances that was last year's model. We picked it up ourselves and carefully brought it down into the basement on our own.

Edgar has been sick a few times since starting daycare. We expected that. One illness lasted almost 2 weeks and needed antibiotics. He even now has a cold. Both boys are teething.

Cy broke his left middle finger while breaking down a boxspring mattress at the rental property. It should be healed in about 4-5 weeks and then he'll have to do physio for it.

Our van wouldn't start one weekend at the beginning of September. Thankfully, Cy figured out what the problem was and it was a cheap fix. It's working now, but at the time it really wasn't helping our stress level.

I ordered cheques at the the bank so I could pay for Edgar's daycare. The bank made cheques for the incorrect bank account. I didn't find out until the daycare tried to deposit a cheque. I've resolved the issue with the daycare director, who was super understanding, but I still need to go in and correct the cheques issue itself.

We found mouse droppings in our kitchen four days ago. We're working on sealing everything up and we even managed to trap one of the mice (possibly the only one, though) last night. So much bleach is being used right now. So much. I'm really hoping we get this resolved as soon as possible.

All these things led to our new motto: "It can always get worse!"

I think going through all of this has really mellowed us out. Yes, there were arguments. Yes, there were days and weeks we were so stressed out that we were doubting our decision to buy our townhouse. Yes, there were times when we weren't sure if we were going to be okay. We made it, though, with the help of family and friends. This whole ordeal has taught us not to be afraid to ask for help, and that sometimes all you can do is laugh as things get worse. It's impossible to survive if we let everything get to us. What we have is what we have, and it can always, always, get worse. We are thankful that it isn't worse.

Life with Two Under Two
It's busy. It's hectic. It's boring at times because of routine. It's sanity-sapping and joy-inducing. I wouldn't change it for anything. Arthur is now crawling and pulling himself up. He's always observing and curious. He's a bit of a quiet guy and doesn't babble much, but that's okay. Edgar talks enough for the both of them. Since starting daycare two days a week, Edgar has developmentally exploded. He talks in short sentences and loves to do things himself. He loves doing puzzles and painting, and is even starting to learn his ABCs! They play together when they're both home and now share their bedroom.

Arthur is still breastfeeding for most of his nutrition. His first taste of solids was actually a Goldfish cracker on the floor that Edgar had dropped moments prior. So much for that! Haha. Edgar is starting to become a bit of a picky eater, something that has been pretty frustrating. We're working through it, though, and there is a seminar on picking eating coming up at the local healthcare centre that I plan to attend.

Cyrus and I are doing as well as can be expected throughout the past few months. We've now been together for 7 years and are looking forward to many more. The small town with no fast food and great walkability, as well as the financial scrimping we had to do the last few months, meant that we were eating a lot healthier and were much more active than before. Thanks to that, we both lost weight. I lost 8 lbs, and Cy lost 9 lbs (but he gained back 6 of those). My joint pain is almost completely gone, and we are enjoying being a lot more active now than we were in Calgary. Small-town life suits us.

My sister welcomed her firstborn son into the world at the end of August. He's a total cutie and I'm SO looking forward to all of the boys playing together once he gets a little older. It's going to be a blast! I'm so insanely proud of her and her fiance, and the great job they're doing.

Well, that's our life right now. That's what we've been going through the past few months. Next up will be our trip to Vancouver for Thanksgiving! Here's hoping everything gets better from here!

I Swear I'm Not "Crunchy"... I Think...

I used to joke about "crunchy" Mamas, saying I totally wasn't one.

... and then I became a mother.

A midwife attended the births of both of my boys.
I'll be honest; The Business of Being Born was an eye opener for me. Knowing, however, that all documentaries have a bias, we took a further look into our options for childbirth. The main thing for us that we took away from the documentary, though, was the realization that we have the ability to make choices when it comes to labour and delivery. We didn't have to do what was expected or procedure without looking into peer-reviewed research studies and our intuition to make decisions. Working with a midwife was like a collaborative, educational journey that culminated in the births of our boys in intimate, calm, and safe environments. We were able to experience the births we desired while still be open to plans changing if complications arose.

...but I'm not "crunchy"!

My boys are in cloth diapers.
I'm a stay-at-home mom. It's not because we have the financial comfortability to do it, but rather a personal conviction that Cy and I have about what will be best for our family. As such, we have to save money in as many areas as possible to make it work. Disposable diapers are expensive. Convenient, but expensive over time. Plus, they leak so badly with both of my boys. We were washing poopy clothes multiple times a day with disposable diapers because of the leaks. Cloth diapers, though a cost up front and time consuming to prep, cost us much less over time. Instead of spending $60+ a month on diapers for two babies, we only have the added water and energy cost... which is maybe an extra couple of dollars a month. Heck, I'm loving cloth so much that I'm even waiting on an order of cloth menstrual pads for myself to give a go!

... but I'm not "crunchy".

I prefer to dry our clothes and diapers on the line.
Again, it saves money. I'm cheap. It's extra work, yes, but the clothes come off the line smelling so fresh, the whites are sparkling thanks to the sun, and it doesn't wear down the fibers like the dryer does (so the clothes last longer). And yeah, it's good for the environment to use less energy.

... but I'm not "crunchy"...

I wear my babies and breastfeed.
I have two babies under two years old. Yes, the oldest is technically a toddler at 17 months old, but he's still a "baby". I can't always depend on him to sit nicely while I'm doing things like putting laundry on the line. So, I toss him in the mei tai on my back or front and do what needs to be done. He loves to be held and carried, and he calms right down. I also enjoy having my hands free when I wear the younger one. It's practical and the kids like it. I also breastfeed. I exclusively pumped for Edgar, and I am successfully nursing Arthur. Formula is expensive, and a big part of my job is to make sure we're saving as much money as possible, so breastfeeding is part of that.

...but I'm not "crunchy"...?

I guess that the general consensus would be that I'm a fairly "crunchy" mom. I cloth-diaper, had midwife-attended unmedicated births, breastfeed, babywear, and we're technically room-sharing with our youngest right now. The thing is, I don't consider myself to be "crunchy". I'm just doing what works for us and what feels right, why does that need a label? My boys are happy and healthy, and my little family is flourishing.

I think "Mom" is enough of a label for me.

Arthur's Calm but Quick Arrival

I woke up the morning of February 8th at 39+6 weeks. I'd been contracting on and off all through the night, but nothing too close together or consistent.

For the past week or so, I'd been having cramping and mild contractions on and off, and two episodes of prodromal labour. At my midwife appointment at 39+3, I was offered a membrane sweep, which I gladly agreed to, but I couldn't tolerate it and she was only able to do about half of it. I went home feeling a bit dejected and cramping. As the next few days went by, I started cramping more and more but didn't let myself get too excited. After all, my first didn't decide to arrive until 40+5 after 3 sweeps and a castor oil and lemon verbena "induction".

The cramps started turning into contractions throughout the night of February 7th, and when I woke up on the 8th they were definitely contractions. I went to do my morning business and when I wiped I had bloody show. Sweet! I told Cy that we were "probably going to meet our baby today" and then hopped into the shower. I took a hot shower to take the edge off of the contractions and get clean. In hindsight, this was not such a great idea.

My MIL had flown in the previous week to help us with Edgar (my first son), and I'm so glad she did because Edgar was fighting a fever and cough that ended up being croup. I came downstairs to cuddle with Edgar between timing contractions, but soon it became evident that they are about 7-10 minutes apart. Because Edgar's birth was also quick, I had been instructed to call when the contractions were at that point. So, I pried my son off of me and went upstairs. I told Cy to prep our room and called my midwife at 9:40 am. She offered to come over and check me, and she was over in about 30 minutes.

When she arrived, she checked my dilation...

I was already 7 cm and fully effaced!

We were all shocked. I think I was most of all, as I had been coping just as well add I did with Edgar's birth, breathing through contractions and not even vocalizing. Again, I didn't want or need anyone touching me or talking/making noise during contractions. I did, however, finally use that playlist that I had made for my labour with Edgar and listened to some calm music.

Because we didn't know exactly when I hit 5 cm, my official labour start time is when I first called my midwife. Not long after, the student midwife arrived. Over the next 2 hours, my contractions became closer and closer together until they were 2 minutes apart. At that point, my midwife called the secondary midwife to start making her way over. She arrived not long after. My membranes had still not ruptured, but my body was progressing nicely. My midwife offered to rupture my membranes, but cautioned me that the labour would likely become very intense soon after. I declined.

During this time, Cy was filling the birth pool. The hot water ended up running out thanks to my aforementioned shower, so he was going up and down the stairs bringing in boiled water to warm it up. My contractions were starting to come with more pressure, and I switched from sitting on my bed to standing and rocking back and forth. Finally, the pool was warm enough for me to get in. It was such relief to be in the water, but my contractions were getting more and more intense. My midwife checked my dilation and I was almost fully dilated; enough so that I could go ahead and push if my body was urging me to do so. There was only that little lip of cervix left, just like with Edgar's birth.

I labored a little while longer, while Cy was boiling one last pot of water to bring up. Suddenly, I felt immense pressure and my membranes broke. Instantly, baby was well down the birth canal. I told the midwives to get Cy immediately, and the secondary midwife rushed down to call him upstairs. He stated to rush up, but then remembered the towels and receiving blankets we had put in the dryer to warm up for baby and rushed back to grab them.

My body began to push involuntarily and within one push baby's head was out. Cy rushed in with the towels the moment that baby was crowning and my midwife was telling me to stop pushing. It was so hard to fight my body from pushing, but I managed to hold on long enough for her to check and make sure that the cord wasn't around baby's neck. We waited for the next contraction and my body again involuntarily pushed... and our baby was born!

We didn't find out the sex of our baby before, and I had wanted Cy to say what it was, but because he had rushed in he wasn't at a good angle to see. Instead, he told me to take a look...

Another boy!

Arthur Lewis Lee was born at 1:07pm weighing 9 lbs 7 oz and 22 inches long after only 3 hours and 42 minutes of labour and two pushes!

He felt so small compared to Edgar (who was 10 lbs 11oz), but he still weighed in at what is considered to be a macrosomic weight (larger than most babies in common language). Because he came so quickly, I did have a small tear, barely even second degree, and my midwife stitched it up moreso for cosmetic reasons than absolute necessity. Breastfeeding is going OK so far. My milk came in around day 4, and I fought with an oversupply as well as Arthur's tongue tie that was clipped at 9 days old. Other than that, things are going relatively well. We're enjoying our two boys for now and are settling in nicely.