My New Love Affair (It's Not What You Think!)

I've fallen head-over-heels in love with cloth diapers.

I want to shout it from the mountain tops. I want to share the benefits with every parent out there who has ever suffered massive poo-splosion blowouts that destroy outfits. I want to tell every person I meet about the wonders of a massive poo-splosion that didn't even make it to my son's clothing.

Okay, that last one makes it sound like I have a problem.

Edgar started off, for the first 6 months of his life, in disposable diapers. Now, because he's massive and growing like a weed (albeit a very cute weed), he would outgrow a diaper size about once a month to month-and-a-half. Whenever I tried to buy more than one box of diapers at a time, he'd outgrow that size within the next week or so, wasting money. We were subjected to daily poo leaks that would destroy my favourites of Edgar's outfits without discrimination. When moms from Edgar's birth class group mentioned they did not have a single blowout after they started cloth diapering, my ears perked up.

Like many moms, I had my doubts about cloth diapering, many of which were myths. The more I looked into it and the more reviews I had read that were written by real parents, the more I began to feel that it might work for us. It was so confusing, though, with all the new terminology. AIO, AI2, pockets, prefolds, flats, Snappis, diaper sprayers, wet bags, doublers, inserts... the list went on and on. On a night when I just couldn't fall asleep anyway, I spent hours researching and learned as much as I could about cloth diapers without seeing one in person.

One slushy April day, K and I made a trip down to Babes in Arms to check out the diapers and make my first purchase. I walked into that store fully intending to go the route of the AIO (all-in-one) diaper, but seeing the diapers in person made me question my choice. After a lovely demonstration by one of the employees and weighing the pros and cons, I decided to go with prefolds and covers. Because it’s the one I have the most experience with now, I’ll discuss prefolds and covers. If you want information about AIO, AI2 (all-in-two), or pocket diapers, try this video as a starting point.


An organic cotton overnight prefold by Flip (left) and a generic organic Indian cotton prefold (right).

Prefolds look more like a traditional cloth diaper (flats), but have seams sewn in to allow for easier folding. They are much less expensive than the AIOs ($20+ a piece for AIO over $4.75 a piece for a prefold), so if they are accidentally ruined it's not too much of a loss. That, and prefolds last longer than other options and can take more abuse. They do take more work to fasten, and they don't come with covers, but it's a decent trade-off. Learning how to fold them was a bit of a learning curve, but I’ll get into that later.

From top left to bottom right: Blueberry, Best Bottom, Blueberry again, and Rumparooz

 Speaking of covers, aren’t these the cutest?

Covers, in the sense of prefolds and flats, are meant to keep everything from coming in contact with the outside world. There are many brands and styles. I prefer the ones with gussets in the leg-holes because they add an extra layer of protection, especially since Edgar has massive thunder thighs. Covers will run anywhere between $5 all the way up to $22, and different styles work better for different babies. Covers (and some brands of AIO, AI2, and pockets) come in two main options: sized or OS (one-size). One size can be used from about 8lbs all the way up to 30-40lbs depending on the brand, meaning they can be used again and again for baby after baby. With Edgar, I’ve liked one-size Rumparooz the best so far.


The one-size diapers use systems of snaps that can be adjusted to fit all sorts of sizes of babies; whether long and thing, or short and chunky... or long and chunky like Edgar.


“How then, do you fold these mystical prefolds?” you ask?

Like this.

This is an “Angel Wing” fold. I’ve found it works best with Edgar’s tendency to hold onto poo until it’s a massive poo-splosion. There's all sorts of different folds, and here's a selection of them in demontration videos. 

I start off by laying out my prefold as best I can with a squirmy baby and folding it into what is called a “trifold”... yes, folding into three. Sometimes, if I’m lazy and know that Edgar’s already pooped for the day, I’ll stop here and stuff that into a cover. In this case, I’ve recruited a semi-willing, pedophile-free teddy to demonstrate.

A length-wise trifold.
  Next, I open up the sides about half-way up and tuck down the top of the prefold.




It’s at this point that I slide the prefold under Edgar’s bum. If I wanted to add an insert or doubler at this point to increase absorbency, I would do so at this point; I’d just lay it inside the middle of the prefold underneath baby. We aren’t doing that today, so I’ll continue to the next step.



 Now, I bring up the front part of the prefold. This is sometimes easier said than done with a squirming baby, but it gets done eventually.



 Flare out the sides of the front and bring up the back sides so that they overlap.


It’s now that the diaper needs to be pinned. This wonderful invention, called a Snappi, is a safer alternative that takes no time at all to attach. Once it’s on, the diaper is ready for a cover.
My new best friend, the Snappi. They come in many colours, but I stuck with white and mint. The teeth grip the diaper without the need to use pins!

Held, and then Snappi'd
  
All covered up!

 All done! Easy... well, sort of easy. It’s definitely easier to do on a teddy than on a rolling, squirming baby that wants to grab the curtains beside the changing table.



Edgar sure looks adorable in them, though, and that helps!

Helpful Resources:

Cloth Diapering 101 (Video, 7-part series)
Caterpillar Baby (Where I buy my diapers/supplies)
Types of Cloth Diapers and How to Use Them (Video)
FAQ Cloth Diapering (by Bummis, a cloth diaper brand)

Breaking Point

I'll be honest.

I had originally planned to type up a wonderful blog post about my new love affair with cloth diapering, but when I woke up this morning I just couldn't do it.

I couldn't bring myself to do it today.

That's it. I'm fed up with all the expectations and weight placed on new mothers today. My baby is happy and healthy, what more do you want?


Dr. Sears.

I have a bone to pick with Dr. Sears. Yes, he has some good points. And yes, I started off fairly attachment-parenting orientated. However, when I started exclusively pumping I began to see the guilt-inducing tone in so many of his articles.

It starts off like this:
"You should do whatever works best for your baby..."

And by the end, more often than not, it turns into some smarmy version of:
"... but if you don't do this, this, and this, you'll screw up your child for life."

I don't need that kind of guilt and negativity. No parent does. Sure, I want what is best for my child just as much as the next mom, but I need my own sanity as well. I bottle-feed because I must. I am in the process of sleep-training because it has become necessary.
  
So what am I trying to say?

The main reason I just had to get this out into the universe today is because of me hitting my breaking point the other night. Edgar is six months old now. Since his 4-month sleep regression, his sleep pattern had been getting progressively worse and worse. I tried everything.

I tried being gentle. I tried no-cry and pick-up-put-down methods. I tried just going with it and feeding him whenever he woke up. You know what? It just made things worse. Sure, it might work for some moms and babies, but it didn't work for me and Edgar. Finally, the other night, he woke up five times in the night.

I know that it's a good thing to want to comfort your child and do everything for them, but there's something to be said about mama's sanity.

After researching into the Ferber method, DH and I decided that this would be the method that would most likely work out best for all of us should more gentle methods fail us. And fail us they did.

There is one major misconception about the Ferber method. Many believe that it means simply placing the baby awake in the crib and just leaving them there. In actuality, it's a "progressive waiting" approach. I do all the same things I would normally do with Edgar at bedtime (bath, book, and bottle) and then when he is drowsy but not asleep I place him in his bed. After specified intervals (on first night it's 3, 5, and then 10 minutes), I can go in and quietly reassure him, rub his tummy and/or head, put his pacifier back in, and then leave. This continues until baby falls asleep.

I did make a small venture into this method a month ago, but Edgar was clearly not ready to be sleep-trained at that point. He was exceedingly clingy the next day and I just didn’t feel that he was quite ready to enter into sleep training. Last night, however, he fell asleep within the first 10-minute interval and only woke twice early on in the night, both before I was even about to head to bed. Each of those times, he fell asleep a little more quickly than the previous. Edgar then slept through the night until 6:50AM. When he woke up this morning, he was more rested than I had seen him in months, drank a normal-sized bottle, and went right into playing as though nothing different had happened.

Despite this apparent initial success, I still felt unsure about “Ferberizing” because of the stigma it carries... until I came across this piece of writing that poked holes in Dr. Sears' reasons to not use CIO ("Cry It Out"). It was an eye opener. There were many more sources (like this and this) scattered across the interwebs. All of this was reassuring me that we were making the right decision for Edgar. It might not be right for every baby or parent, but it works for us.

When it comes down to it, there's really no discernable difference in the long term if parents use the Ferber method, as long as their children aren't actually being neglected. Sure, it's difficult to hear my baby cry, but I know that he is fed, dry, and ready (and needing) to sleep and to learn how to fall asleep on his own.

I'd rather have both of us rested and sane after a short period of crying, than exhausted and being short with my son as I try to soothe his cries all night long.

Some mothers can handle the exhaustion and still be happy and cheerful in the morning when their baby gets up every few hours every single night for years on end. Bless you. Good on you. If they bottled a magic potion that allowed everyone to do that, I'm sure that the pharmaceutical companies would be all over it, and that it'd be popular with the partying crowd. Hell, I’d buy a bottle of it.

Until then, Dr. Sears can go suck on a lemon.

Unless he likes lemons. Then he can go suck on something else.

Cold Turkey (First 2 Days) and Sleepytime Spray

I will never regret my decision to pump for Edgar. Though it was tough to keep going and I seriously doubted that I'd make it to my goal of six months, I finally made it far enough to feel ready to launch the beginning of the end. At 5 months post-partum, I dropped down to four pumps a day. This soon fell to three, followed shortly by two. I just couldn't justify continuing; it felt like a weight constantly dragging me down. Pumping hadn't felt like much of a burden until I started dropping pumps. Without pumping as often, I had more time to spend with Edgar. I didn't have to rush rocking him to sleep so that I could pump. I had tasted life without pumping, and I wanted more.

This last week, I made the decision to stop pumping. I purchased a pack of Sudafed, a cabbage, and peppermint tea... and then stopped pumping. I packed up my electric double pump and put it away.

Goodbye for now, my good friend.


That's right, I'm doing weaning cold turkey

Weaning cold turkey carries the risk of mastitis and other unfriendly things, so I knew I had to go about this carefully. Or rather, as carefully as cold turkey can be. I read up as much as I could about weaning this way, and set to work.

Day 1
Physically
One word: OUCH. I took Sudafed shortly before bedtime the night before, and only pumped with my manual pump to relieve pressure. I ended up with a total of 5oz between the girls, and that was only relieving minimal pressure. I still felt super full and in a lot of pain for most of the day. Holding Edgar was pretty painful. I was sweating a lot; I'm not sure if that is from the hormone changes.

Mentally/Emotionally
Though I felt confident in my decision, this day was the most emotionally difficult. I fed Edgar his last bottle of freshly pumped milk that I had pumped the day before, and I teared up a little. It felt so hard to believe that I had made it so far and had stored up so much frozen breastmilk for Edgar. Throughout the day, Edgar was super cuddly and it almost seemed like he knew what was going on. I don't know if he really did, but it made my day easier. I feel so blessed to be raising such an empathetic little being, and honoured to have put forth the work to pump for him for so long.

Day 2
Physically
This day was easier than the first physically. I had much more energy than when I was pumping, and didn't feel like I had to pump as often for the pressure. When I did pump, it only took about 3oz to relieve the pressure, followed by about 2oz. I weighed myself and had already lost 4lbs since starting weaning! Maybe water weight? I'm not sure, but I had been sweating and peeing a lot more than usual. My appetite also dropped dramatically.

Mentally/Emotionally
This day was emotionally easier than the first as well. I was able to be more productive thanks to the increase in energy, and didn't feel nearly as weepy as the first day. Edgar was still more cuddly than usual, and I felt more confident in my choice to stop pumping. I feel so much more at ease and relaxed at home caring for Edgar without the constant weight on my shoulders to pump. It almost feels like I've come out of a fog and have clarity for the first time in months!

We'll see how everything goes from here on out. So far, I really feel like I made the right decision for Edgar and myself by weaning at this point. Here's hoping that feeling sticks!

Sleepy Time Calming Mist
Edgar has been having a hard time settling down for bedtime recently. While grocery shopping in Superstore, K and I passed through the natural foods aisle and came upon this wonderful spray:


Ingredients

Instructions
I started applying it to Edgar's legs before massaging with lotion during his pre-bedtime diaper change. So far, it seems to help him calm down and get settled for bedtime. I don't know if it's only the massaging that is helping, but I really like the scent. If anything, it's calming for me!

Edgar Facts I Ponder on a Daily Basis

I know that Edgar has really hijacked my blog for the past few months, but how could he not? He is the single most important person in my life right now, and taking care of him is my endless job day in and day out. I didn't realize until K and C arrived just how much I had lost my centre because of the intensity that taking care of a baby is without a backup helper. I didn't know what it was like to step out of the house without Edgar because I just couldn't. I honestly envy those who have their parents nearby to help out or to babysit; they are all so very fortunate and I hope that they are aware of that fact.

I also didn't realize just how close I was skirting the line of PPD. I think that being in the same apartment day in and day out with only Edgar as company all day long and limited outings didn't do much for my mental health. K is on top of making sure that we get out at least every few days. We're even going to the pool (almost) every Sunday!





Here are some thoughts about Edgar that I ponder on a daily basis:


Edgar has been teething for three and a half months.

The doctor didn't believe me when I told her he was teething at his two-month checkup. He's been working on the same tooth since then. He's a drool fountain and a Mr. Grumpy-Pants when the teething gets really bad. He'll gnaw on anything and everything near his face with the ferocity of a tiger working on its latest kill. His nose even wrinkles up.




Edgar is huge.

Edgar has been in the upper 97+ percentiles since he was born, so that's not new. We've been on size 4 diapers for the last few weeks to accomodate his thunder thighs. To put this into some perspective; Edgar's 3-year-old cousin wears size 4 diapers. He has outgrown his baby bucket carseat as well as a plethora of some of my favourite clothes that I dressed him in on a regular basis. I'm not really allowed to fall in love with any outfits of his, I guess. I do worry sometimes, but I've been assured by everyone that he'll thin out once he starts walking. I still worry.

Two hours after he was born at 10lbs 11oz
1 month old, weighing around 12-13lbs.
Just a few days ago. A month ago (4 months), he weighed in at 18lbs 5oz.

 
Edgar loves solid food and hasn't really disliked anything other than avocado.

Avocado was a massive failure. He gagged and spat out every single bite, and then the diaper afterward was horrific. I swear it was the worst diaper I had every seen. No more avocado. Solids have been super easy otherwise. He also took to formula like it was regular breastmilk. I was pretty concerned that he'd reject it, but he was happy as a clam!


Edgar hasn't really been sick yet.

At almost six months old now, Edgar has yet to have a cold. He's had a touch of one when both DH and I were sick, but other than that he hasn't been sick. Are we super careful with germs and such? Nope! I don't usually wash my hands after coming back from the grocery store unless I'm about to prep a bottle for him, we don't sterilize anything of his unless I'm in the mood to do it (which is like once a month maybe), I've taken him on public transit about a dozen times and don't hesistate to take him out of the house, if his pacifier drops on the floor at home it goes right back into his mouth unless there's a hair or something on it and then it gets rinsed with plain tap water, and he's allowed to chew on anything he wants (within reason, of course). Maybe that has something to do with it? He's had plenty of chances and exposure to get sick, but he just hasn't!

I'm pretty biased about that fact, actually. See, I'm the firstborn. From what I've seen and what I've heard, the first baby is subjected to far less exposure to germs than subsequent babies. I have a fairly crappy immune system, have asthma, and had eczema fairly often as a child. I don't want that for Edgar, so I'm not going to shelter him from all the germs out there. I can understand why parents want to protect their babies, but they'll never develop an immune system if everything that goes into their mouth is sterilized.

Okay. Ranty-rant is done.


Edgar can be so intense.

Edgar loves to just absorb everything before making a decision on whether he likes something or not. He doesn't seem to cry at sensory input until he's had a while to judge whether or not he dislikes it. When we took him to the pool the first time, he didn't cry. He didn't become happy, either. He just absorbed everything. He took it all in. The next time, he was familiar with the scenario and seemed to like the pool. He even kicked and splashed around a bit. Edgar does the same thing with new foods and toys. It's amazing sometimes to just see his concentration and know that the gears in his head are just turning and he's wrapping his mind around new sensory input.


Hmm...

... I dunno about these, Mommy...

I love my Edgar more than life itself.

I honestly cannot imagine life without Edgar around. I wonder sometimes how we could have lived without him in our lives; the joy that he brings to my life is just so complete that I can't imagine how he couldn't have existed before now. How could I have never known how much love I could receive from or give to another person every single day of my life?

I'll never know, and I'll never question why. All I know is that Edgar is my baby; I worry about him, I care for him every day, I can't imagine my life without him, and I love him so dearly that it blows my mind.

On Trying New Things

I'm sure you've probably noticed by now that my site looks a bit different from your last visit. It has been over a year since I started my blog, and I felt like trying out a new look. Feel free to give me some feedback in the comments section below!

I haven't been posting as often as I would like to be the past month or so, as we've been getting ready for the arrival of K and C. Well, they are now here and we couldn't be happier to have them staying with us. Not only is this an opportunity for all of us to save financially, but I am more than happy to have Edgar grow up around more family and in an environment that is positive and warm. Dividing up daily chores also makes life with a little one a lot more tidy, I must say.

Edgar's had his own firsts the past few weeks as well. Now that we're onto solids, he's been having fun trying out a few new foods. I've been making big batches of baby food for Edgar and freezing them in ice cube trays. I'm so happy to know exactly what is in his food! Last week, he tried out sweet potatoes for the first time. He wasn't too sure about those.


Then, today, we tried apple. He was really a fan!


We also took Edgar to the pool for the first time yesterday. Sadly, I don't have any photos, but I can assure you that he was pretty okay with the whole thing. He just seemed to be taking it all in; all the noise, the swimsuit, and the feeling of being in the water. Edgar didn't cry or fuss, but he didn't really smile either. We'll see how he does next week when we go again. I promise you all that I'll take pictures next time!

I love seeing Edgar experience his own firsts and developing his own tastes. It's so neat to think that someday he'll have his own favorite meals that he'll like to cook (yes, I will make sure my son knows how to cook!), and his own favorite activities, but for now everything is so new to him. Every taste that we take for granted as knowing is completely and utterly unknown to him. "The wonder of a child" has never been so apt a phrase.

I can only hope to take this as a lesson for myself. At one point, we all were a blank slate; whether it be foods or experiences. I knew nothing of the world nor of what it held for me when I was a baby, and why should I let myself be held back simply because something is unknown? Why should anybody? How much more rich would our lives be if we just let go and experienced life the same way as a child?

Edgar has also started trying to sit up on his own. I think he's pretty close to getting it, don't you?


I am so excited for what the future holds; all of the new experiences, tastes, and feelings for both Edgar and myself. Sharing all of this with my family is also truly a joy for me.

Changes on the Horizon

The next few weeks are going to be filled with lots of change, and I am excited for all of it!

First of all, one of my two younger sisters, Kaitlyn (K) of Keeping it Kait, and her boyfriend, Chris (C), are moving up to Calgary on March 20th. Just like us, they are in search of work for C. Calgary seems to have a much more stable job market than Vancouver, and we are more than glad to have them move up here.

The one catch, though, is that they are going to be living with us. We're totally fine with having K and C staying with us, except for the fact that it is going to be a tight fit until our lease runs out at the end of April.

Yes, they are staying with us in our little two-bedroom apartment until the lease runs out.

Yes, it is going to be a very tight squeeze until the end of April.

No, I am not insane. They had me checked.

It is all going to pay off for all of us once we move into a larger rental house. Once we are all situated and K and C are both working, life is going to be much more comfortable for all of us, and we each will have a better opportunity to save up to buy either a house for all of us to live together in, or separate houses. I better start packing pretty soon, actually!

K and Me, on my wedding day 2 years ago

Another big change is that Edgar is growing up too fast. At his doctor's appointment this afternoon, the doctor said that we should start him on solids. She also said that we could start supplementing with formula if we wanted so that I could start weaning off of pumping at 6 months with a very nice freezer stash. The plan is to switch his morning bottle from 6oz down to 4oz and give him his solids experience after that. Then, once we're sure that rice cereal is okay, we're going to switch that 4oz bottle from breastmilk to formula. The rest of his bottles for the foreseeable will be breastmilk. I'm hoping that this will give me the ability to store enough milk to give Edgar at least a bottle a day of my breastmilk until he's one year old.

While I'm excited to give Edgar solids, I am also nervous about the process and a little sad that he is growing up so fast. There are a lot of food sensitivities on my side of the family, so the doctor recommended starting with rice cereal and waiting a week between different foods. She said that she's never heard of any babies under her care ever having a reaction or sensitivity to it, so according to her, rice cereal is a good place for Edgar to start. I had originally wanted to start with veggies instead, but I think that her reasoning is sound and we'll follow her instructions.

My chunky boy!

DH is also hoping to switch job positions (in the same company) fairly soon. I can't go too much into it, but it's another change that is in the works. He's pretty excited about that one.

All in all, the next few weeks are going to be interesting. I can hardly wait!

Busy Days and Oatmeal Carrot Muffins

Okay, folks. The past few days have been pretty busy; Edgar's started rolling and that has really kept me on my toes. We're also starting to prep our apartment for some long-term residents to join us: my sister and her boyfriend! That's right, K and C are moving to Calgary! We couldn't be more excited.

As such, I decided to make muffins yesterday night. I don't really have time during the day to cook or do anything too substantial; Edgar's naps are a little too short to get too much done. Muffins always make a great snack for me during the day, because maintaining sufficient calories plays a big role in keeping my milk production (and energy!) high. Producing just one ounce of breastmilk requires 20-22 calories (depending on the information source). I produce over 40 ounces a day. You do the math!

These muffins turned out great, even with the changes I made to the original recipe, which can be found here. I used instant oats instead of rolled oats because I always have packets of plain oatmeal kicking around from the bulk boxes of Quaker instant oatmeal that I never get around to eating.


Oatmeal Carrot Muffins

Adapted by Vanessa from Dairy Goodness' recipe

Ingredients
1 cup fat-free Activia vanilla yogurt
1/4 cup skim milk
1 cup Quaker instant oats
1/4 cup honey
1/4 cup melted butter
1 egg, slightly beaten
1 tsp grated orange rind (I actually forgot we had no oranges, so I had to skip this)
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 cup sugar
1 tbsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/3 cup raisins

Directions
Preheat oven to 400 °F (200 °C). Lightly butter or spay a nonstick 12-muffin pan.
In large bowl, add milk and yogurt to oats; stir to mix. Cover and let stand for 10 min.
Mix together carrots, brown sugar, butter, egg and orange rind; stir into oat mixture. In separate bowl, sift together flour, sugar, baking powder, salt and baking soda; stir in raisins. Stir into batter just until moistened. Spoon into prepared muffin pans, filling almost to top.
Bake for 20 to 25 min or until tops are firm to the touch.


My Journey in Exclusively Pumping

Warning: This post contains frank discussion about breastfeeding. If the terminology bothers you, do not continue to read.


I thought I had learned everything necessary to breastfeed before Edgar was born. Books, informational websites, even blog posts were scoured for every bit of troubleshooting information.

"Yes, I'm going to succeed at this. I'm sure breastfeeding will be easy and natural."

I was planning to have a natural childbirth, after all, and Edgar was going to be placed on my breast as soon as possible after he was born. It seemed so simple. When the day finally came, everything seemed to go decently well. I did have difficulty getting Edgar to latch, though. Every time he popped off the breast, the midwife or someone else would have to help me literally shove his face into my breast so he could find the nipple. When he did latch, it was a perfect latch usually, but the suction was intensely strong. Then, just a few days after Edgar's birth, my nipples began to crack and blister.

"I thought it wasn't supposed to break skin like this. No one mentioned it hurting this badly."

By the time I went in for a check-up at nine days post-partum, I was engorged, cracked, bleeding, and probably only a day or two away from developing mastitis. Each time I attempted to breastfeed Edgar, I was met with toe-curling pain that never went away throughout the course of feeding. I dreaded whenever Edgar started crying because of hunger. Each feed meant fighting to shove him onto my breast so that he could simply find my nipple (he still couldn't find it and start sucking it on his own, even with the nipple in his mouth). Edgar would fight back and stick his arms out to prevent my efforts in shoving his face to my breast to latch. Latching was a two-person effort. My mother witnessed many a meltdown. When my mother had flown back to Vancouver, DH went back to work. I was home alone, and it was nigh impossible.

Throughout this time, I had difficulty feeling attached to Edgar. The shock from his birth had not yet worn off, and the only time I held him for the first week was when he was screaming and hungry. Of course, not having an "ideal" breastfeeding relationship at this point, it just made it more and more difficult to feel anything towards my son. This led to even more meltdowns and feeling like I had failed as a mother.

My midwife, seeing at how bad my breasts had become by the time of our appointment, gave me two options if I wanted to continue breastfeeding:

1. Use a nipple shield.
2. Stop nursing for a few days, express my breastmilk, and feed Edgar via a bottle.

Option 2 terrified me. What about nipple confusion? "Don't worry about it," said the midwife. I didn't want to take her word for it, and we didn't want to spend the money on a breastpump yet, so we tried the nipple shield. Edgar rejected it. I tried unsuccessfully for the rest of that evening and the following day to nurse Edgar with the nipple shield, but each time both he and I ended up crying, frustrated, and nursing without the nipple shield through the toe-curling pain again. I called my midwife that night to clarify the options that I had as I had forgotten (darn sleep deprivation).

So here we were; I couldn't nurse my baby without risking further damage and mastitis, the nipple shields didn't work for us, and somehow I needed to feed my baby. We decided to try pumping. DH ended up running out that night and purchasing a Medela manual pump. As soon as he returned, we sterilized the parts and I pumped for the first time. It was instant relief.

Instant relief from the engorgement.

Instant relief from the pain.

Instant relief from the stress and fear of each blindingly painful nursing session.

I now know that I am fortunate in that I produce more than enough breastmilk to feed Edgar. Not everyone is successful at exclusively pumping, which is why it is not normally mentioned as an option. At the time, however, I was more focused on simply getting food for my baby. After every single time Edgar fed and had been changed, I would sit and pump with my manual pump for about 30 minutes until I thought that I had emptied my breasts. I would then wash the pump and bottles, and then put the milk away in the fridge. By the time I had finished all of that, about an hour and fifteen minutes had passed if I was lucky. Edgar ate every two and a half hours. That gave me less than an hour and fifteen minutes to sleep or do anything else between feeds.

"I'd never give my baby formula. It's awful stuff!"

I can't believe, now, that I had those thoughts. If I had needed or wanted to, and if I ever need to in the future, I would gladly give my baby formula or supplement with it. Heck, I was sorely tempted to switch over to formula; the only deterrent was the cost. It really is still the only deterrent, actually.

By the next time I saw my midwife again at three weeks post-partum, I was a completely new person. Edgar was gaining weight like a pro, and I was far less stressed out than when I was attempting to nurse. I had also fallen completely in love with my son at last.

I had tried a few more times to nurse, as the pumping was supposed to be temporary, but each time I nursed more than one time a day the damage was done all over again. After consulting DH and my midwife, N, we decided that it seemed like exclusively pumping was what was going to work for Edgar.

Shortly after I had mentioned the switch in a previous post, I was contacted by a friend from high school who I had not spoken with in years. She directed me to some exclusively pumping support groups. Throughout my journey so far, the support group I joined on Facebook has been an absolutely vital resource. I don't think I would have had the same confidence in this journey without that resource (a big shout-out to V! Thank you!). DH and I finally purchased an Ameda electric double breastpump when Edgar was about 8 weeks old. Now, I can't imagine going back to that manual Medela.

Edgar is now almost four months old, and we are almost at our goal of pumping until he is six months old. There's now a growing freezer stash of frozen breastmilk that will hopefully by then carry him to at least nine months. I take an absurd number of vitamins and herbal supplements every day to maintain my supply, but it's getting me to that goal!

"Whatever works."

This has been my mantra since then. I can't believe how I thought things were going to be a set way before Edgar was born. There are so many things I have let go of throughout the first few months of motherhood. I will likely never do cry-it-out (except as a last resort), I baby-wear, I express and breastfeed my baby breastmilk but do not nurse, I let my baby play with toys that just light up and make sounds that aren't entirely educational, and, most importantly, I am comfortable and confidant in each and every one of those choices.

No matter how you feed your child (as long as it follows the nutritional guidelines or your care  provider's instructions, of course), the important thing is that they are happy and healthy. I know that each bottle I give Edgar is made up of more than just milk; it is filled with love. Even now, if I switched to formula, it would still be filled with that same love.

Me and my little "pumpling" during a bedtime feed around 9 weeks.
 Whatever works; however you do it, be it bottle or breast, know that your baby is being fed not only on milk or formula, but your care and love for them.


Resources:
La Leche League International, an excellent breastfeeding resource
Kelly Mom, a great resource for nursing and pumping that I have used on several occasions.
Mother-2-Mother, another resource that is for both nursing and pumping