Documentary Review: "When the Bough Breaks"

Recently, Netflix Canada added the documentary When the Bough Breaks to its repertoire. This documentary examines and explains perinatal mood disorders, such as post-partum depression, anxiety, and psychosis through interviews with professionals, as well as real women who have lived through it (and their partners).

DISCLAIMER

I will say right off the bat, as someone who has experienced post-partum depression and anxiety and is very open about that experience, that this film can be triggering for those who have also had mental health issues. I personally found viewing it to be difficult, but also to be extremely validating. There were many moments or statements that I identified with deeply and could not hold back the tears.

So, with that in mind, if you have experienced or are currently experiencing post-partum mental health issues, please use caution when you start watching this. This is an extremely difficult film to watch, and does broach the topic of infant death as a result of post-partum psychosis as well as suicide due to perinatal mental health disorders. If you think you may need a spotter or someone to sit with you while watching this film, please do so. If you feel you need to talk to someone after viewing this film, please do so.

Now, to the review.

When the Bough Breaks begins with an explanation of what post-partum depression, anxiety, and psychosis each look like. There are real stories from women who have lived through it, an explanation of the documentary's purpose from the filmmakers, and information bites from professionals who routinely treat post-partum mental health issues. These stories range from the redemptive to the tragic.

There are women who are healing from perinatal mood disorders.

There are survivors who now help others.

There are those left behind after lives are lost due to perinatal mental health disorders.

The treatments for post-partum depression, anxiety, and psychosis all vary, and the film approaches many of them. When the Bough Breaks discusses both the conventional, experimental, pharmaceutical, and non-pharmaceutical treatments. An integral part of the approach to perinatal mental health is the need for support and therapy, and this is heavily featured in the film. The need for universal screening is discussed. Here in Alberta, we do have screening as a standard part of post-partum care, but this is not the case all over North America. This film focuses primarily on the experience of women in the United States of America, but there are still relevant issues here in Canada. Even with advances, there is still more that can be done to help women suffering from perinatal mood disorders.

Another topic approached is the stigma and misinformation that still exists in this world, despite advances in the visibility and the openness that is becoming more common with mental health. This documentary discusses why we should keep on talking about perinatal mental health. Stigma stops many from seeking treatment, even in this modern era.

If you have an interest in what perinatal mental health disorders are like for those who experience it, would like to learn how to help those who go through it, would like more information, or have experienced it in the past and wish to hear the stories of other women who have gone through similar experiences, this is a good film to start off with.

It was a difficult watch for me, but I am glad I did watch it. It was a good reminder that we are not alone in this journey through perinatal mood disorders, and that other women and men are fighting as well.

Cleaning: the never-ending quest!

I spend a decent amount of my time cleaning.

Well, okay, maybe a lot of time.

With 3 kids under 4, and two of them still "toddlers," there's a lot of messes. I used to be okay with using store-bought cleaning products. One day, however, that changed.

A Day in the Life of 3 Under 4

As some of you may have noticed, yes, I did update my blog layout last night! I was looking for something a bit more fresh and tidy, and I'm really liking this design one so far.

The main reason I'm starting this blog back up into full activity is that I've had so many people asking me about how we do things and I've decided to go ahead and share it!

Over the next few weeks, I will be posting a series of pages on different aspects of daily life in our house; from cooking to cleaning to being a student mom to cloth diapering and more. I know that my house, lifestyle, and parenting aren't perfect, but there's no perfect solution for everything. All we really can do is share what we know.


For now, however, I'll give a general idea of what my days look like. 

Our days start off really early.

Rosemary's Birth Story

First of all, the obligatory baby tax. 2 weeks old and freshly bathed.

I suppose I should start off with some background information for this birth story. I have a history of having macrosomic babies (over 8 lbs 13 oz) and quick deliveries. The active labour for Edgar was only 3 hours long, and the active labour for Arthur was 3 hours and 42 minutes. Because I had set a "trend" of big babies and short labours, we operated under the assumption that this would be the case again for this pregnancy and I mentally prepared myself for such.

By some miracle, I had obtained the same midwife who caught both Edgar and Arthur. As before, we'll call her "N" for privacy and simplicity's sake. Because she was present for both prior courses of care, she knew my history well. Because both large babies and fast (or, precipitous) labours carry risks for hemorrhage, in addition to a few risks new to this pregnancy (very low ferritin for me and a marginal cord insertion on baby's placenta) we discussed and decided that I would deliver in hospital this time, and that I would not be allowed to carry into 40 weeks. If we got to that point, we'd induce...

Growth

my early life years were vancouver
fast and grandiose and wild
predictably capricious

I married young

younger than most these days

twenty two.

I can't and don't do it all.

Hold on and steady yourselves, folks. This is a long and intense one.

I recently had some say to me, "I don't know how you do it all," and it took all of me not to break down and cry at them that I can't and don't "do it all." No one can and no one should. At the very least, not all at once.

Facebook has the ability to make us all look far more stable and successful than the mercurial beings that we are in reality. Everyone is drawn to paint themselves as the perfect career woman or homemaker, mother, popular chick, or all of the above; and when we don't conform to that, we're told to stop complaining or told that we're exaggerating.

Guest Post: My Nephew's Birth Story!

My sister, Kaitlyn, gave birth to her little not-so-little boy back in August, and approached me the other day to share her birth story. And of course I said YES! I am delighted to present to you: Anders' Birth Story.



Kaitlyn:

I thought I should write down Anders' birth story so I could look back and remember everything in detail or as much detail as I can remember! This is my account of how things went; there are moments that seem hazy but I'm sure if you ask my mom or Chris they will gladly fill in the blanks! I was a little hesitant to share my experience just because people can be judgmental and it was quite traumatic for me. I recently felt empowered from it and have seen the beauty in the pain.

Shall we begin at 41 weeks?

Yes, I went past my due date, surprise surprise! We had lots of wonderful visitors from B.C., my mom included. We spent the last few weeks walking, walking, and walking some more. I think I walked more those last few weeks than my entire life. When we went for my last prenatal check up I was still only 1 cm dilated. I was quite disappointed and VERY big. Chris and I made the decision to be induced.

On August 25th I went in for a Foley Bulb. If you have never heard of this or experienced it, you are extremely fortunate. Let's just say it's the epitome of uncomfortable. I was scheduled to return the following morning to begin pitocin and have my water broken if things did not progress. However that pleasant little balloon did its job and at 7:30pm that night my contractions began.

At around 2am they were 4-5 minutes apart and a trickle of my water had begun. We headed out to the hospital! We laugh about it now but I had asked my mom if this is what it would feel like for the most part. Bless her heart, she lied and said yes.

Chris drove, missing every pothole and bump. When we arrived at the hospital, I was still only 3 cm dilated. The doctor told me to go home and wait till I felt more pressure. The nurse however said to walk around the hospital for a while and see how things go. I seriously love my family; I walked slowly around the hospital followed by my support group: Chris, my mom, Chris' mom, Aunty Tammy, and Jessica at 3am!

Only 30 minutes later I was back upstairs. Thank goodness I hadn't gone home. I guess everyone was really busy last winter because it was packed in there! I spent from 4am – noon the following day in triage. My contractions were very close together from the get go and it really all seems like a haze. The only thing that kept me in the zone was focusing on my breathing. My very, very loud breathing. The hardest part of having a hospital birth was being in the triage area waiting for a room. I was only allowed one of my support people which meant my mom was left out in the waiting room not really knowing what was going on. At one point my mom snuck in... only to get caught and sent back out.

Finally, at noon I got a room! It was my little oasis in this sea of madness! I labored for 6 more hours, again my contractions basically on top of each other. Chris was wonderful and stayed with me the whole time massaging my back. His poor fingers... and I'm not being sarcastic! It was a very long time and he was pressing pretty hard. Before going into labour I had made up my mind to go into giving birth with an open mind. If I needed pain medication great if I didn't great! I tried some gas which only made me feel light headed. Then after a few more hours I asked for something else, they gave me some fentanyl which only made me sleepy. At this point I would faze out, wake up have a contraction, faze out, have a contraction. I felt like Goldilocks, I needed to find some pain relief that was just right.

At this point I was feeling the urge to push however I was only 7 cm dilated. That was pure hell. It was hard to focus and fighting the urge to push was horrendous. I can't even find the words to describe it. If you have gone through it, you know what I'm talking about ladies! I caved and asked for an epidural. Hallelujah! Best decision of my life right there! Shortly after I fell asleep and napped for what felt like 2 hours.

When I woke up and said this to my mom she laughed and said I was asleep for 15 minutes. I felt like I was in some crazy time warp.

I was finally able to focus again! It was a shift change time for my team and I got a new nurse and doctor. I went to a maternity clinic with a doctor rotation. Over the course of my pregnancy, I had met all the doctors and they all worked in shifts at the hospital. We're at about an hour later and it's time to push! I honestly felt like I was pushing for only 15 minutes but really it was 2 hours. Again, crazy labour time warp. Nothing, nothing, prepares you for that ring of fire. Oh my word! I actually really enjoyed the pushing part of labour though. It was the home stretch. Where I could really focus and work at bringing my beautiful baby into this world. My mom was a great focus point. She really helped with the counting and keeping me in the zone. I feel so blessed I was able to have her there.

This is where things get scary. I remember things being okay and then all of sudden they weren't. It's hard to describe. Apparently, a code was called. The doctor yelled "shoulders!" Chris thought this meant grab my shoulders so he pinned my shoulders down. The room filled with people! People were yelling at me to push, nurses were pushing on my stomach, the doctor was working her magic and finally he was out!

Silence.

That's all I heard, the silence was burning my ears. The nurses started telling me I did amazing, I did my best. What did that mean? I remember asking if he was okay.

Finally cries! My baby was okay. His shoulder had gotten stuck, hence "shoulders" being called. The nurses checked him out and finally after what seemed like forever I was able to meet my baby.

My 9 lbs, 52.5 cm, perfect baby boy.

My heart will never be the same. The unconditional love is just indescribable. He was having some trouble breathing and because I had been in labour for over 24 hours after my water breaking he had to be taken to the NICU. They also noticed he had a coloboma. I think it looks pretty sweet and it makes him very unique. We recently went to an ophthalmologist and it does not affect his eye sight at all!

I truly believe everything happens the exact way it is supposed to. The doctor I had after the shift change had worked in the Yukon and was very experienced in emergency situations. The nurse we had was amazing! She insisted that the NICU team be present when he was delivered because I had been given fentanyl. The NICU team being there was key in safely delivering Anders. The nurse was very calm yet assertive when Anders got stuck.

This definitely wasn't how I had imagined my labour experience to go but I honestly wouldn't change a thing. 26.5 hours later I had my beautiful healthy baby and that is all that matters. I am forever changed. I truly love being a mom.

2015: A Full Year

What can I say about this past year? What words could I use to contain its breadth? When I think about this past year, I feel a rush of images in my mind, both positive and negative. None of them are forgettable. Our running motto has been "It could always get worse!"

I started off 2015 heavily pregnant. We didn't know the sex of our baby, and were delighted when our Arthur made his appearance in February. As the delight and newness began to sink in, however, something more painful took hold.

Within 2 weeks after Arthur's birth, I was so anxious that I was shoulder-checking in our own house. I was crying constantly because of anxiety, worry, and intrusive thoughts. I had post-partum depression and anxiety. I had been so terrified of this scenario, and I had thought that succeeding in establishing breastfeeding would have prevented it from happening. Not so. A month or so later, my referral went through and I saw a psychiatrist for the first time in 8 years. I was officially diagnosed and began medication and counselling. It was not until Arthur was about 6 months old that I finally started to feel like I was bonding with him and began to feel more like myself for the first time in ages. I have since wrapped up counselling and am still on medication for the moment.

I've had to learn the art of self-care and taking time to focus on myself. It's not selfish. In fact, it's the opposite; by making sure that I take the time to care for myself, I am ensuring that I can have the mental and emotional resources to care for my boys. I learned to accept my past and to face memories that I had buried away. I learned that it's okay to be angry; there are some things that are wrong. I learned that it's okay to say that I'm not okay, and that admitting that I'm not okay is the first step to making things better.

During the time around my first psychiatrist appointment, the source of my joint pain was finally diagnosed as joint hypermobility syndrome. I started physiotherapy and began to see my daily pain level reduce to next to nothing. I had my very first pain-free day in 6 years. I feel amazing, and have been losing weight thanks to the more active lifestyle I'm now able to have.

Another change that helped us to have a more active lifestyle is our move to Didsbury. In July, we bought our very first house. It is a 3-bedroom townhouse with a full unfinished basement. It's not perfect, but it got us into the housing market and out of renting. Didsbury's only "fast food" restaurant is a single Tim Hortons. There's no late-night food options other than cooking at home. Everything is within walking distance of our house. There's a 5km trail loop only an 8-minute walk from our house. The air out here is noticeably more clear, and there's a simple kind of beauty in farmland.

That being said, it hasn't all been rosy in our new house. There's been some annoyances along the way. We had our dryer break down the very first cycle we tried to dry! We had a mouse. Twice. Our minivan stopped working briefly, but it was an easy fix. Cy broke his finger. Our fridge recently stopped working and we're waiting on a replacement part to arrive. Small things, really, in the grand scheme of things.

I picked up quilting. It's been a steep learning curve, but I really enjoy it in my little bit of free time that I do have.

In August, Edgar started daycare here in Didsbury. He's loving it and I get a chance to take care of housework and coursework during the 2 days that he's having an absolute blast at daycare.

Thanksgiving was spent back in Vancouver. The trip was a perfect balance of seeing family and making sure to rest in-between. We drove. Yes, we did a 13-hour road trip with 2 boys under 2 years old. It actually wasn't too bad of a drive, and the boys slept a decent amount of the time because we left extremely early in the morning. I loved seeing friends and family again, and I feel like it helped to ground me in preparation for the next couple of months ahead.

In November, I started the first course in SAIT's Library Information Technology diploma program. The course wraps up in February, and so far I am acing it. Literally. I have only lost a little over 2% total from my final mark and only have my final exam and final assignment to go. It seems that I have finally found my career calling, and I'm loving the outlook for the future it's given me. I started off in the part-time program, and in Fall 2016 I will be switching to the full-time program to which I was recently accepted.

This year also had a couple health scares for the boys. Edgar had his very first allergic reaction to peanuts in June. After allergy testing, it was determined that his next reaction from ingesting peanuts would likely be anaphylactic. He now carries an epipen everywhere he goes. We are now a peanut-free household. Arthur had a 10-minute long febrile seizure in November. The initial fever was caused by a childhood illness called roseola and he recovered just fine after a short stay at Alberta Children's Hospital. While his EEG was normal, we do have to keep a close eye on him any time that he develops a fever from now on. Because he was so young and he seized for so long, the probability of him having another febrile seizure before he turns 5 years old is 40% or higher if he has a fever spike. Thankfully, febrile seizures do not do damage to the developing brain, and even one of the amazing doctors that treated him at ACH had them as a child!

The Fall months were spent with all of us in varying degrees of illness. Whether it was ear infections, strep throat, colds, or random stomach bugs... we got all of it. Kids are such germ factories! We were all sick and miserable at points, but thank goodness that it all was fleeting.

Christmas this year was a quiet affair for us. Kait, Chris, and Anders had gone back to Vancouver for Christmas, so it was just us in town. The boys received presents from family and a few small ones from us. I made them sort of matching quilts. We didn't go anywhere, and had a quiet day at home with just the boys and us.

Our motto this year, whenever things were going wrong, was "It could always get worse!" Yes, yes it can. Things can always get better, and that's okay. Things can also always get worse. We aren't super well-off, and we don't live like kings, but we have a house and our boys and each other. That's more than a lot of people have. We have friends and family who have supported and encouraged us in the difficult times this past year. We now own a house and are slowly paying down debt. We have two beautiful boys. Marriage takes work, but at the end of the day I am married to my best friend. We still laugh about stupid things together.

What does 2016 have in store for us? Well, there are lots of things to look forward to:

• Finishing my first course at the end of January and starting my next couple of courses in March
• Another Vancouver trip at the beginning of February
• Arthur's first birthday
• Our 4th wedding anniversary
• Two weddings
• Friends expecting new little ones
• Starting full-time courses in Fall
• Edgar turning three in November
• Potty training Edgar at some point
• Arthur starting to learn to talk this year

2015 has left me refreshed, renewed, and ready to take on the world.

Bring it on, 2016. 

Life With Two Under Two ("It can always get worse!")

Hi folks! I promise I haven't forgotten about my blog; I've just been so busy that I haven't gotten around to updating about our life lately. Since I last blogged, my boys have grown a bunch, we bought a townhouse and moved, Arthur started solids, Edgar started daycare two days a week, and we've decided to visit family in Vancouver in October!

The Townhouse and the Move
We discovered in late April that there was a possibility that we might be able to barely squeak into the housing market and buy our own house. The months of May and June became occupied with the quest to see what we could possibly afford. After many appointments with an amazing mortgage broker (if you're in the Calgary area and are looking for one, PM me), and three house walkthroughs with a great real-estate agent in Didsbury, we bought our townhouse in a small town about 45 minutes out of Calgary called Didsbury. It was a stressful couple of months, but we made it through and now are homeowners!

It doesn't look like much outside, but inside is nice!

I love the colours we chose!

Don't move with kids if you don't have to. For the love of all things good in this world, if you value your sanity, don't do it. Thankfully, Cy's mother came up to Calgary to help us with the boys while we took care of preparing for the move. I don't think we could have done it without her. Thanks to her helping watch the boys, we were able to paint our entire main floor and the boys' room over a weekend.

In addition to Cy's mom helping, Cy's best friend flew in to visit and help us with the actual move when the time came. With the three of us, we managed to move everything over the course of a weekend.

I am SO thankful for the help that we had in this whole process, without which we probably wouldn't have our own place.

Complications ("It can always get worse!")
Granted, we have our own house now, but up until a week ago we were still tethered to our rental property lease. This was because we broke our lease early, and according to our contract we were responsible for the rent until a new tenant was found. That meant that we were paying our mortgage and rent. It was a very tough and tight couple of months, but thanks to the help of family and really scrimping, we made it through okay. It didn't help that our landlord was emailing us once or twice a week about getting stuff done at the old place that we just couldn't afford at the time.

Before we moved, we found out, in a frightening allergic reaction that resulted in a trip to Calgary Children's Hospital, that Edgar is allergic to peanuts. He now has an epi-pen and we are a peanut-free house.

Our dryer broke on its very first cycle. After taking a look inside and trying to see if we could fix it, we found a replacement from Trail Appliances that was last year's model. We picked it up ourselves and carefully brought it down into the basement on our own.

Edgar has been sick a few times since starting daycare. We expected that. One illness lasted almost 2 weeks and needed antibiotics. He even now has a cold. Both boys are teething.

Cy broke his left middle finger while breaking down a boxspring mattress at the rental property. It should be healed in about 4-5 weeks and then he'll have to do physio for it.

Our van wouldn't start one weekend at the beginning of September. Thankfully, Cy figured out what the problem was and it was a cheap fix. It's working now, but at the time it really wasn't helping our stress level.

I ordered cheques at the the bank so I could pay for Edgar's daycare. The bank made cheques for the incorrect bank account. I didn't find out until the daycare tried to deposit a cheque. I've resolved the issue with the daycare director, who was super understanding, but I still need to go in and correct the cheques issue itself.

We found mouse droppings in our kitchen four days ago. We're working on sealing everything up and we even managed to trap one of the mice (possibly the only one, though) last night. So much bleach is being used right now. So much. I'm really hoping we get this resolved as soon as possible.

All these things led to our new motto: "It can always get worse!"

I think going through all of this has really mellowed us out. Yes, there were arguments. Yes, there were days and weeks we were so stressed out that we were doubting our decision to buy our townhouse. Yes, there were times when we weren't sure if we were going to be okay. We made it, though, with the help of family and friends. This whole ordeal has taught us not to be afraid to ask for help, and that sometimes all you can do is laugh as things get worse. It's impossible to survive if we let everything get to us. What we have is what we have, and it can always, always, get worse. We are thankful that it isn't worse.

Life with Two Under Two
It's busy. It's hectic. It's boring at times because of routine. It's sanity-sapping and joy-inducing. I wouldn't change it for anything. Arthur is now crawling and pulling himself up. He's always observing and curious. He's a bit of a quiet guy and doesn't babble much, but that's okay. Edgar talks enough for the both of them. Since starting daycare two days a week, Edgar has developmentally exploded. He talks in short sentences and loves to do things himself. He loves doing puzzles and painting, and is even starting to learn his ABCs! They play together when they're both home and now share their bedroom.

Arthur is still breastfeeding for most of his nutrition. His first taste of solids was actually a Goldfish cracker on the floor that Edgar had dropped moments prior. So much for that! Haha. Edgar is starting to become a bit of a picky eater, something that has been pretty frustrating. We're working through it, though, and there is a seminar on picking eating coming up at the local healthcare centre that I plan to attend.

Cyrus and I are doing as well as can be expected throughout the past few months. We've now been together for 7 years and are looking forward to many more. The small town with no fast food and great walkability, as well as the financial scrimping we had to do the last few months, meant that we were eating a lot healthier and were much more active than before. Thanks to that, we both lost weight. I lost 8 lbs, and Cy lost 9 lbs (but he gained back 6 of those). My joint pain is almost completely gone, and we are enjoying being a lot more active now than we were in Calgary. Small-town life suits us.

My sister welcomed her firstborn son into the world at the end of August. He's a total cutie and I'm SO looking forward to all of the boys playing together once he gets a little older. It's going to be a blast! I'm so insanely proud of her and her fiance, and the great job they're doing.

Well, that's our life right now. That's what we've been going through the past few months. Next up will be our trip to Vancouver for Thanksgiving! Here's hoping everything gets better from here!

I Swear I'm Not "Crunchy"... I Think...

I used to joke about "crunchy" Mamas, saying I totally wasn't one.

... and then I became a mother.

A midwife attended the births of both of my boys.
I'll be honest; The Business of Being Born was an eye opener for me. Knowing, however, that all documentaries have a bias, we took a further look into our options for childbirth. The main thing for us that we took away from the documentary, though, was the realization that we have the ability to make choices when it comes to labour and delivery. We didn't have to do what was expected or procedure without looking into peer-reviewed research studies and our intuition to make decisions. Working with a midwife was like a collaborative, educational journey that culminated in the births of our boys in intimate, calm, and safe environments. We were able to experience the births we desired while still be open to plans changing if complications arose.

...but I'm not "crunchy"!

My boys are in cloth diapers.
I'm a stay-at-home mom. It's not because we have the financial comfortability to do it, but rather a personal conviction that Cy and I have about what will be best for our family. As such, we have to save money in as many areas as possible to make it work. Disposable diapers are expensive. Convenient, but expensive over time. Plus, they leak so badly with both of my boys. We were washing poopy clothes multiple times a day with disposable diapers because of the leaks. Cloth diapers, though a cost up front and time consuming to prep, cost us much less over time. Instead of spending $60+ a month on diapers for two babies, we only have the added water and energy cost... which is maybe an extra couple of dollars a month. Heck, I'm loving cloth so much that I'm even waiting on an order of cloth menstrual pads for myself to give a go!

... but I'm not "crunchy".

I prefer to dry our clothes and diapers on the line.
Again, it saves money. I'm cheap. It's extra work, yes, but the clothes come off the line smelling so fresh, the whites are sparkling thanks to the sun, and it doesn't wear down the fibers like the dryer does (so the clothes last longer). And yeah, it's good for the environment to use less energy.

... but I'm not "crunchy"...

I wear my babies and breastfeed.
I have two babies under two years old. Yes, the oldest is technically a toddler at 17 months old, but he's still a "baby". I can't always depend on him to sit nicely while I'm doing things like putting laundry on the line. So, I toss him in the mei tai on my back or front and do what needs to be done. He loves to be held and carried, and he calms right down. I also enjoy having my hands free when I wear the younger one. It's practical and the kids like it. I also breastfeed. I exclusively pumped for Edgar, and I am successfully nursing Arthur. Formula is expensive, and a big part of my job is to make sure we're saving as much money as possible, so breastfeeding is part of that.

...but I'm not "crunchy"...?

I guess that the general consensus would be that I'm a fairly "crunchy" mom. I cloth-diaper, had midwife-attended unmedicated births, breastfeed, babywear, and we're technically room-sharing with our youngest right now. The thing is, I don't consider myself to be "crunchy". I'm just doing what works for us and what feels right, why does that need a label? My boys are happy and healthy, and my little family is flourishing.

I think "Mom" is enough of a label for me.

Arthur's Calm but Quick Arrival

I woke up the morning of February 8th at 39+6 weeks. I'd been contracting on and off all through the night, but nothing too close together or consistent.

For the past week or so, I'd been having cramping and mild contractions on and off, and two episodes of prodromal labour. At my midwife appointment at 39+3, I was offered a membrane sweep, which I gladly agreed to, but I couldn't tolerate it and she was only able to do about half of it. I went home feeling a bit dejected and cramping. As the next few days went by, I started cramping more and more but didn't let myself get too excited. After all, my first didn't decide to arrive until 40+5 after 3 sweeps and a castor oil and lemon verbena "induction".

The cramps started turning into contractions throughout the night of February 7th, and when I woke up on the 8th they were definitely contractions. I went to do my morning business and when I wiped I had bloody show. Sweet! I told Cy that we were "probably going to meet our baby today" and then hopped into the shower. I took a hot shower to take the edge off of the contractions and get clean. In hindsight, this was not such a great idea.

My MIL had flown in the previous week to help us with Edgar (my first son), and I'm so glad she did because Edgar was fighting a fever and cough that ended up being croup. I came downstairs to cuddle with Edgar between timing contractions, but soon it became evident that they are about 7-10 minutes apart. Because Edgar's birth was also quick, I had been instructed to call when the contractions were at that point. So, I pried my son off of me and went upstairs. I told Cy to prep our room and called my midwife at 9:40 am. She offered to come over and check me, and she was over in about 30 minutes.

When she arrived, she checked my dilation...

I was already 7 cm and fully effaced!

We were all shocked. I think I was most of all, as I had been coping just as well add I did with Edgar's birth, breathing through contractions and not even vocalizing. Again, I didn't want or need anyone touching me or talking/making noise during contractions. I did, however, finally use that playlist that I had made for my labour with Edgar and listened to some calm music.

Because we didn't know exactly when I hit 5 cm, my official labour start time is when I first called my midwife. Not long after, the student midwife arrived. Over the next 2 hours, my contractions became closer and closer together until they were 2 minutes apart. At that point, my midwife called the secondary midwife to start making her way over. She arrived not long after. My membranes had still not ruptured, but my body was progressing nicely. My midwife offered to rupture my membranes, but cautioned me that the labour would likely become very intense soon after. I declined.

During this time, Cy was filling the birth pool. The hot water ended up running out thanks to my aforementioned shower, so he was going up and down the stairs bringing in boiled water to warm it up. My contractions were starting to come with more pressure, and I switched from sitting on my bed to standing and rocking back and forth. Finally, the pool was warm enough for me to get in. It was such relief to be in the water, but my contractions were getting more and more intense. My midwife checked my dilation and I was almost fully dilated; enough so that I could go ahead and push if my body was urging me to do so. There was only that little lip of cervix left, just like with Edgar's birth.

I labored a little while longer, while Cy was boiling one last pot of water to bring up. Suddenly, I felt immense pressure and my membranes broke. Instantly, baby was well down the birth canal. I told the midwives to get Cy immediately, and the secondary midwife rushed down to call him upstairs. He stated to rush up, but then remembered the towels and receiving blankets we had put in the dryer to warm up for baby and rushed back to grab them.

My body began to push involuntarily and within one push baby's head was out. Cy rushed in with the towels the moment that baby was crowning and my midwife was telling me to stop pushing. It was so hard to fight my body from pushing, but I managed to hold on long enough for her to check and make sure that the cord wasn't around baby's neck. We waited for the next contraction and my body again involuntarily pushed... and our baby was born!

We didn't find out the sex of our baby before, and I had wanted Cy to say what it was, but because he had rushed in he wasn't at a good angle to see. Instead, he told me to take a look...

Another boy!

Arthur Lewis Lee was born at 1:07pm weighing 9 lbs 7 oz and 22 inches long after only 3 hours and 42 minutes of labour and two pushes!

He felt so small compared to Edgar (who was 10 lbs 11oz), but he still weighed in at what is considered to be a macrosomic weight (larger than most babies in common language). Because he came so quickly, I did have a small tear, barely even second degree, and my midwife stitched it up moreso for cosmetic reasons than absolute necessity. Breastfeeding is going OK so far. My milk came in around day 4, and I fought with an oversupply as well as Arthur's tongue tie that was clipped at 9 days old. Other than that, things are going relatively well. We're enjoying our two boys for now and are settling in nicely.

My New Love Affair (It's Not What You Think!)

I've fallen head-over-heels in love with cloth diapers.

I want to shout it from the mountain tops. I want to share the benefits with every parent out there who has ever suffered massive poo-splosion blowouts that destroy outfits. I want to tell every person I meet about the wonders of a massive poo-splosion that didn't even make it to my son's clothing.

Okay, that last one makes it sound like I have a problem.

Edgar started off, for the first 6 months of his life, in disposable diapers. Now, because he's massive and growing like a weed (albeit a very cute weed), he would outgrow a diaper size about once a month to month-and-a-half. Whenever I tried to buy more than one box of diapers at a time, he'd outgrow that size within the next week or so, wasting money. We were subjected to daily poo leaks that would destroy my favourites of Edgar's outfits without discrimination. When moms from Edgar's birth class group mentioned they did not have a single blowout after they started cloth diapering, my ears perked up.

Like many moms, I had my doubts about cloth diapering, many of which were myths. The more I looked into it and the more reviews I had read that were written by real parents, the more I began to feel that it might work for us. It was so confusing, though, with all the new terminology. AIO, AI2, pockets, prefolds, flats, Snappis, diaper sprayers, wet bags, doublers, inserts... the list went on and on. On a night when I just couldn't fall asleep anyway, I spent hours researching and learned as much as I could about cloth diapers without seeing one in person.

One slushy April day, K and I made a trip down to Babes in Arms to check out the diapers and make my first purchase. I walked into that store fully intending to go the route of the AIO (all-in-one) diaper, but seeing the diapers in person made me question my choice. After a lovely demonstration by one of the employees and weighing the pros and cons, I decided to go with prefolds and covers. Because it’s the one I have the most experience with now, I’ll discuss prefolds and covers. If you want information about AIO, AI2 (all-in-two), or pocket diapers, try this video as a starting point.

An organic cotton overnight prefold by Flip (left) and a generic organic Indian cotton prefold (right).

Prefolds look more like a traditional cloth diaper (flats), but have seams sewn in to allow for easier folding. They are much less expensive than the AIOs ($20+ a piece for AIO over $4.75 a piece for a prefold), so if they are accidentally ruined it's not too much of a loss. That, and prefolds last longer than other options and can take more abuse. They do take more work to fasten, and they don't come with covers, but it's a decent trade-off. Learning how to fold them was a bit of a learning curve, but I’ll get into that later.

From top left to bottom right: Blueberry, Best Bottom, Blueberry again, and Rumparooz

 Speaking of covers, aren’t these the cutest?

Covers, in the sense of prefolds and flats, are meant to keep everything from coming in contact with the outside world. There are many brands and styles. I prefer the ones with gussets in the leg-holes because they add an extra layer of protection, especially since Edgar has massive thunder thighs. Covers will run anywhere between $5 all the way up to $22, and different styles work better for different babies. Covers (and some brands of AIO, AI2, and pockets) come in two main options: sized or OS (one-size). One size can be used from about 8lbs all the way up to 30-40lbs depending on the brand, meaning they can be used again and again for baby after baby. With Edgar, I’ve liked one-size Rumparooz the best so far.

The one-size diapers use systems of snaps that can be adjusted to fit all sorts of sizes of babies; whether long and thing, or short and chunky... or long and chunky like Edgar.

“How then, do you fold these mystical prefolds?” you ask?

Like this.

This is an “Angel Wing” fold. I’ve found it works best with Edgar’s tendency to hold onto poo until it’s a massive poo-splosion. There's all sorts of different folds, and here's a selection of them in demontration videos. 

I start off by laying out my prefold as best I can with a squirmy baby and folding it into what is called a “trifold”... yes, folding into three. Sometimes, if I’m lazy and know that Edgar’s already pooped for the day, I’ll stop here and stuff that into a cover. In this case, I’ve recruited a semi-willing, pedophile-free teddy to demonstrate.

A length-wise trifold.

  Next, I open up the sides about half-way up and tuck down the top of the prefold.

It’s at this point that I slide the prefold under Edgar’s bum. If I wanted to add an insert or doubler at this point to increase absorbency, I would do so at this point; I’d just lay it inside the middle of the prefold underneath baby. We aren’t doing that today, so I’ll continue to the next step.

 Now, I bring up the front part of the prefold. This is sometimes easier said than done with a squirming baby, but it gets done eventually.

 Flare out the sides of the front and bring up the back sides so that they overlap.

It’s now that the diaper needs to be pinned. This wonderful invention, called a Snappi, is a safer alternative that takes no time at all to attach. Once it’s on, the diaper is ready for a cover.

My new best friend, the Snappi. They come in many colours, but I stuck with white and mint. The teeth grip the diaper without the need to use pins!

Held, and then Snappi'd

  

All covered up!

 All done! Easy... well, sort of easy. It’s definitely easier to do on a teddy than on a rolling, squirming baby that wants to grab the curtains beside the changing table.

Edgar sure looks adorable in them, though, and that helps!

Helpful Resources:

Cloth Diapering 101 (Video, 7-part series)
Caterpillar Baby (Where I buy my diapers/supplies)
Types of Cloth Diapers and How to Use Them (Video)
FAQ Cloth Diapering (by Bummis, a cloth diaper brand)

Breaking Point

I'll be honest.

I had originally planned to type up a wonderful blog post about my new love affair with cloth diapering, but when I woke up this morning I just couldn't do it.

I couldn't bring myself to do it today.

That's it. I'm fed up with all the expectations and weight placed on new mothers today. My baby is happy and healthy, what more do you want?


Dr. Sears.

I have a bone to pick with Dr. Sears. Yes, he has some good points. And yes, I started off fairly attachment-parenting orientated. However, when I started exclusively pumping I began to see the guilt-inducing tone in so many of his articles.

It starts off like this:
"You should do whatever works best for your baby..."

And by the end, more often than not, it turns into some smarmy version of:
"... but if you don't do this, this, and this, you'll screw up your child for life."

I don't need that kind of guilt and negativity. No parent does. Sure, I want what is best for my child just as much as the next mom, but I need my own sanity as well. I bottle-feed because I must. I am in the process of sleep-training because it has become necessary.
  
So what am I trying to say?

The main reason I just had to get this out into the universe today is because of me hitting my breaking point the other night. Edgar is six months old now. Since his 4-month sleep regression, his sleep pattern had been getting progressively worse and worse. I tried everything.

I tried being gentle. I tried no-cry and pick-up-put-down methods. I tried just going with it and feeding him whenever he woke up. You know what? It just made things worse. Sure, it might work for some moms and babies, but it didn't work for me and Edgar. Finally, the other night, he woke up five times in the night.

I know that it's a good thing to want to comfort your child and do everything for them, but there's something to be said about mama's sanity.

After researching into the Ferber method, DH and I decided that this would be the method that would most likely work out best for all of us should more gentle methods fail us. And fail us they did.

There is one major misconception about the Ferber method. Many believe that it means simply placing the baby awake in the crib and just leaving them there. In actuality, it's a "progressive waiting" approach. I do all the same things I would normally do with Edgar at bedtime (bath, book, and bottle) and then when he is drowsy but not asleep I place him in his bed. After specified intervals (on first night it's 3, 5, and then 10 minutes), I can go in and quietly reassure him, rub his tummy and/or head, put his pacifier back in, and then leave. This continues until baby falls asleep.

I did make a small venture into this method a month ago, but Edgar was clearly not ready to be sleep-trained at that point. He was exceedingly clingy the next day and I just didn’t feel that he was quite ready to enter into sleep training. Last night, however, he fell asleep within the first 10-minute interval and only woke twice early on in the night, both before I was even about to head to bed. Each of those times, he fell asleep a little more quickly than the previous. Edgar then slept through the night until 6:50AM. When he woke up this morning, he was more rested than I had seen him in months, drank a normal-sized bottle, and went right into playing as though nothing different had happened.

Despite this apparent initial success, I still felt unsure about “Ferberizing” because of the stigma it carries... until I came across this piece of writing that poked holes in Dr. Sears' reasons to not use CIO ("Cry It Out"). It was an eye opener. There were many more sources (like this and this) scattered across the interwebs. All of this was reassuring me that we were making the right decision for Edgar. It might not be right for every baby or parent, but it works for us.

When it comes down to it, there's really no discernable difference in the long term if parents use the Ferber method, as long as their children aren't actually being neglected. Sure, it's difficult to hear my baby cry, but I know that he is fed, dry, and ready (and needing) to sleep and to learn how to fall asleep on his own.

I'd rather have both of us rested and sane after a short period of crying, than exhausted and being short with my son as I try to soothe his cries all night long.

Some mothers can handle the exhaustion and still be happy and cheerful in the morning when their baby gets up every few hours every single night for years on end. Bless you. Good on you. If they bottled a magic potion that allowed everyone to do that, I'm sure that the pharmaceutical companies would be all over it, and that it'd be popular with the partying crowd. Hell, I’d buy a bottle of it.

Until then, Dr. Sears can go suck on a lemon.

Unless he likes lemons. Then he can go suck on something else.