One Month of Motherhood

Holy cow has it ever been a while! Quite a bit has happened since I last blogged. Shortly after my last post, DH and I found out that we were expecting. On November 5, 2013 at 7:27 AM, we welcomed Edgar into the world. He weighed a chubby 10 lbs 11 oz, and was birthed without medication or any interventions. When he first came out, my first thought was "You're here!". The second was "Oh my god he's huge!". We were expecting a big baby, but nothing near Edgar's size.

One month on, Edgar's personality is starting to come out. He's quite mellow and gentle, unless he's hungry. As a big baby, he eats quite a lot, and it's taken a lot out of me to be able to feed him. Of the 51 lbs I gained during pregnancy, I'd lost 36 lbs as of my 3 week post-partum checkup. His birth also really wrecked my body, despite being a very relaxing, serene natural birth (of which I will eventually get around to posting the story). I could hardly stand or walk for the first week, and even now I still have a hard time getting up from picking him up off of the floor or anything low.

10 Things I've Learned in One Month of Parenthood

 1. Accept or ask for help so you can rest. 
Getting to sleep seems like a no-brainer, but when hormones were flying around that first week, every little sound Edgar made sent me into full wakefullness. Without my mom and DH's help, I would not have survived. My sister also flew out during the second week to help out, making the transition to parenthood easier.

2. Rest. It's okay. Really. You're doing all you can.
When that help is there, REST! I kept on feeling like I needed to do more to help when I had my mother here to help. It really didn't help with the healing process, though. I had to let go of trying to help out and just rest between feedings while my mom and DH took care of everything else.

3. Eat.
I still have difficulty with this one. Edgar is a cuddly baby and likes to be held a lot. This makes it difficult for me to find time to make food for myself. When breastfeeding, though, those calories are really needed. It's probably why I've lost so much weight. It's also why my milk supply dipped a few days ago when I didn't eat enough during the day. I'm still trying to get it back up.

4. Shower at least once a day.
It's amazing how much I feel more like myself again after a good shower. In the beginning after DH went back to work, I waited until Edgar was asleep. Now that Edgar doesn't nap as much in the day, I park him in his little bouncy chair inside the bathroom and shower while he chills there. I can peek at him if I pull the curtain back and can check if he's fine.

5. It's okay to step away and breathe.
Before Edgar was born, I thought that there was no way that I'd ever had bad thoughts toward him. I thought that this piece of advice that a good friend had given me wouldn't be needed. Then Edgar was born. Newborns don't understand "please sleep," "don't pee all over me," or "please stop crying". It's amazing just how much being sleep-deprived can change your thought process. That being said, stepping away and letting the baby cry for a few minutes is a heck of a lot safer than getting more and more frustrated. I'm pretty sure now that stepping away could have saved a lot of babies.

6. Poo happens.
It does. Get used to it. I honestly didn't find the whole poo thing as bad as I thought I would. Nor did DH. Maybe we're just weird.

7. Don't get too attached to breastfeeding.
I know that there's a big push nowadays to breastfeed. I definitely felt the pressure. With milk sensitivity running in my family, I knew that there was a chance Edgar would have milk sensitivity or lactose intolerance. Thankfully, he only seems to have milk sensitivity, so I just have to avoid dairy. What I didn't count on was how eager of a feeder he is. For lack of a better way of saying it, he destroyed my nipples. Breastfeeding was excruciating. I dreaded every feed. It hurt me and then Edgar would get frustrated because I was so hesitant to feed him. It was so bad that I had to stop breastfeeding, start pumping, and apply a prescription ointment after every pumping session. Now, I pretty much exclusively pump and feed him my milk via bottle. I'm actually quite happy with my decision; it's less stressful for both me and Edgar. I'm not saying it's the way to do it, but it works for us.

8. Never say never.
I said I wouldn't give up dairy. I said I would follow cry-it-out. I said I wouldn't give him a pacifier before the recommended time. I said I wouldn't let Edgar fall asleep in anything but his crib. Yeah... I didn't follow that. And you know what? It's okay. It works for us. Whatever works, works. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

9. It's okay not to feel attached to your baby right away.
This is one that I didn't expect at all. I thought I would have that wonderful rush of hormones once Edgar was born and that I'd feel euphoric. I was more in shock than anything, and that shock lasted over a week. It really scared me, to be honest. I didn't really feel anything for him until the second week. I partly blame the breastfeeding difficulties. I also feel that the whole shock from the birth experience kind of numbed me from feeling very attached to him; everyone kept on telling me that I had done an amazing thing and I just felt like it was something that happened. I lived through it. It didn't feel like anything crazy to me. Now, though, I am head-over-heels in love with Edgar and am just starting to own that birth experience.

10. Having a baby will change everything.
From the way that DH and I look at each other to the way that Edgar just melts my heart every time he smiles, my life has been totally changed since Edgar was born. Some ways more unexpected than others. As I start accepting the wonder of his birth and the experience of it all, I feel a lot more open and confident in my body. I also feel more confident speaking up for myself and my son. I am so looking forward to seeing who my son will become, and how this will continue to change me as a person.