Warning: This post contains frank discussion about breastfeeding. If the terminology bothers you, do not continue to read.
I thought I had learned everything necessary to breastfeed before Edgar was born. Books, informational websites, even blog posts were scoured for every bit of troubleshooting information.
"Yes, I'm going to succeed at this. I'm sure breastfeeding will be easy and natural."
I was planning to have a natural childbirth, after all, and Edgar was going to be placed on my breast as soon as possible after he was born. It seemed so simple. When the day finally came, everything seemed to go decently well.
I did have difficulty getting Edgar to latch, though. Every time he popped off the breast, the midwife or someone else would have to help me literally
shove his face into my breast so he could find the nipple. When he did latch, it was a perfect latch usually, but the suction was intensely strong. Then, just a few days after Edgar's birth, my nipples began to crack and blister.
"I thought it wasn't supposed to break skin like this. No one mentioned it hurting this badly."
By the time I went in for a check-up at nine days post-partum, I was engorged, cracked, bleeding, and probably only a day or two away from developing mastitis. Each time I attempted to breastfeed Edgar, I was met with toe-curling pain that never went away throughout the course of feeding. I dreaded whenever Edgar started crying because of hunger. Each feed meant fighting to shove him onto my breast so that he could simply find my nipple (he still couldn't find it and start sucking it on his own, even with the nipple in his mouth). Edgar would fight back and stick his arms out to prevent my efforts in shoving his face to my breast to latch. Latching was a two-person effort. My mother witnessed many a meltdown. When my mother had flown back to Vancouver, DH went back to work. I was home alone, and it was nigh impossible.
Throughout this time, I had difficulty feeling attached to Edgar. The shock from his birth had not yet worn off, and the only time I held him for the first week was when he was screaming and hungry. Of course, not having an "ideal" breastfeeding relationship at this point, it just made it more and more difficult to feel anything towards my son. This led to even more meltdowns and feeling like I had failed as a mother.
My midwife, seeing at how bad my breasts had become by the time of our appointment, gave me two options if I wanted to continue breastfeeding:
1. Use a nipple shield.
2. Stop nursing for a few days, express my breastmilk, and feed Edgar via a bottle.
Option 2 terrified me. What about nipple confusion? "Don't worry about it," said the midwife. I didn't want to take her word for it, and we didn't want to spend the money on a breastpump yet, so we tried the nipple shield. Edgar rejected it. I tried unsuccessfully for the rest of that evening and the following day to nurse Edgar with the nipple shield, but each time both he and I ended up crying, frustrated, and nursing without the nipple shield through the toe-curling pain again. I called my midwife that night to clarify the options that I had as I had forgotten (darn sleep deprivation).
So here we were; I couldn't nurse my baby without risking further damage and mastitis, the nipple shields didn't work for us, and
somehow I needed to feed my baby. We decided to try pumping. DH ended up running out that night and purchasing a Medela manual pump. As soon as he returned, we sterilized the parts and I pumped for the first time. It was instant relief.
Instant relief from the engorgement.
Instant relief from the pain.
Instant relief from the stress and fear of each blindingly painful nursing session.
I now know that I am fortunate in that I produce more than enough breastmilk to feed Edgar. Not everyone is successful at exclusively pumping, which is why it is not normally mentioned as an option. At the time, however, I was more focused on simply getting food for my baby. After every single time Edgar fed and had been changed, I would sit and pump with my manual pump for about 30 minutes until I thought that I had emptied my breasts. I would then wash the pump and bottles, and then put the milk away in the fridge. By the time I had finished all of that, about an hour and fifteen minutes had passed if I was lucky. Edgar ate every two and a half hours. That gave me less than an hour and fifteen minutes to sleep or do anything else between feeds.
"I'd never give my baby formula. It's awful stuff!"
I can't believe, now, that I had those thoughts. If I had needed or wanted to, and if I ever need to in the future, I would gladly give my baby formula or supplement with it. Heck, I was sorely tempted to switch over to formula; the only deterrent was the cost. It really is still the only deterrent, actually.
By the next time I saw my midwife again at three weeks post-partum, I was a completely new person. Edgar was gaining weight like a pro, and I was far less stressed out than when I was attempting to nurse. I had also fallen completely in love with my son at last.
I had tried a few more times to nurse, as the pumping was supposed to be temporary, but each time I nursed more than one time a day the damage was done all over again. After consulting DH and my midwife, N, we decided that it seemed like exclusively pumping was what was going to work for Edgar.
Shortly after I had mentioned the switch in a
previous post, I was contacted by a friend from high school who I had not spoken with in years. She directed me to some exclusively pumping support groups. Throughout my journey so far, the support group I joined on Facebook has been an absolutely vital resource. I don't think I would have had the same confidence in this journey without that resource (a big shout-out to V! Thank you!). DH and I finally purchased an Ameda electric double breastpump when Edgar was about 8 weeks old. Now, I can't imagine going back to that manual Medela.
Edgar is now almost four months old, and we are almost at our goal of
pumping until he is six months old. There's now a growing freezer stash
of frozen breastmilk that will hopefully by then carry him to at least
nine months. I take an absurd number of vitamins and herbal supplements every day to maintain my supply, but it's getting me to that goal!
"Whatever works."
This has been my mantra since then. I can't believe how I thought things were going to be a set way before Edgar was born. There are so many things I have let go of throughout the first few months of motherhood. I will likely never do cry-it-out (except as a last resort), I baby-wear, I express and breastfeed my baby breastmilk but do not nurse, I let my baby play with toys that just light up and make sounds that aren't entirely educational, and, most importantly, I am comfortable and confidant in each and every one of those choices.
No matter how you feed your child (as long as it follows the nutritional guidelines or your care provider's instructions, of course), the important thing is that they are happy and healthy. I know that each bottle I give Edgar is made up of more than just milk; it is filled with love. Even now, if I switched to formula, it would still be filled with that same love.
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| Me and my little "pumpling" during a bedtime feed around 9 weeks. |
Whatever works; however you do it, be it bottle or breast, know that your baby is being fed not only on milk or formula, but your care and love for them.
Resources:
La Leche League International, an excellent breastfeeding resource
Kelly Mom, a great resource for nursing and pumping that I have used on several occasions.
Mother-2-Mother, another resource that is for both nursing and pumping
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